Honesty hour.

I’ve been struggling with the words to write lately. Over the last week alone I have written about four different drafts of a blog post, none of which I’ve felt like were ready.

Each time I hit a wall, completely giving up on each post. But here we are, finally.

I’ve been dealing with weariness. Life is just, well, exhausting. I mean on its own without different struggles such as grief and depression it can be difficult. Then you add those two in and it’s like total madness. Because for as much as I have a grasp on the depression in my life, the struggle is still very real at times. The last couple of weeks have been a struggle to get out of bed alone.

Honestly though, the heaviest thing still is predominately grief. It weighs on my heart daily. Especially with Christmas around the corner.

I was explaining my current heart status with someone the other day. I often get life in pictures - it’s how I process. This is the current picture: a boomerang. It’s that thing you throw and it comes back to you all on it’s own. Now picture that as grief. The initial throw of the boomerang is when Mikael died. Then, as time goes on so does the grief. It’s as if it becomes more manageable. That’s where it reaches its furthest point of distance - for me that was at about the seventh month range. And as it makes its way back, the pressure begins to build back up.

As the year mark approaches, it seems the pain of grieving becomes more and more predominant.

For me, the approach of Christmas is as if the wounds in my heart have been reopened and salt is only daily being poured in. And this is why: Christmas was incredibly raw last year. The reality that Mikael was not getting better but only getting worse was very difficult. Especially the the not knowing. Each day holds a different memory. Both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were heavy with an uninformed heaviness. And four days after Christmas we got the diagnosis.

Then it’s New Years, followed by January which means February. February is when my birthday is. The same day also being Mikael’s. And now it’s the day that Mikael went to be with Jesus.

You guys, my heart. It’s heavy. It’s a little nervous; almost skittish. I know these next few months are going to be pretty raw.

I find myself getting frustrated at my grieving process and the messiness of it. Something I have shared is that because of my faith in Jesus, the accomplished work of the cross and our promise of eternity I feel that I’m supposed to be joyful during this time. Joyful because of no more suffering. Joyful because of full unhindered time with Jesus; because of the promise of seeing each other again.

Yet my heart is still so broken.

Something I think I shared before is that I’m a deep lover of people. My heart is for people. I don’t just love lightly. Like it’s an all in thing. And I may not show it, but every time I’m with ‘my’ people - and sometimes even just people in general - I’m basically losing it on the inside because of what I feel.

It’s in this where the Lord revealed to me that He made me like this on purpose. That being said, death to me is an absolute violation of who I’ve been created to be.

I mean really, as a friend commented a few months ago, death in general is a violation to us and who we were all created to be; people of relationship.

But for me, it runs deep. It runs very deep. Especially being the ‘fixer’ that I am.

So for as much as I know I should be saying positive things over the next few weeks in anticipation, I also know my heart. Knowing I am a deep feeler and thinker I know that these next few months may be especially messy.

At the end of the day there really are no apologies to be made. That’s what people keep telling me any way.

You guys, life is so messy.

I honestly would have given up months ago if I didn’t have Jesus reminding me of grace and process and purpose. Heck, I would have given up last week, and the week before, and the week before that.

Therefore this has been my prayer lately: “God, I really, really need you. Like a lot.” And He’s faithful. Faithful in coming in and just easing the raging fire burning within me and settling me down. It’s not even that I even really feel Him close to be honest. I just know He’s here. It’s the quiet peace I feel after a long day of struggle. It’s the passion I feel coursing through me as I truly let go and just worship Him.

It’s the calm I’ve felt while seeing the snow fall over the last few days. The beauty of it that reaches so deeply in my heart.

It’s also knowing that I will never really get over this. We don’t get over things and move on. No, we actually just grow with them. And as time goes on we may manage whatever it is a little easier. Key word here is time. I may be taking a little longer than some people have with something like this, but that’s okay. And not only that, but it hasn’t even been a year. (Are you hearing this, self? It hasn’t been a year so stop being so hard on yourself.)

And as Sheila Walsh says, it’s okay to not be okay.

So from my heart to yours, here’s to learning to actually be okay with not being okay. Here’s to the never ending grace of the Father. Here’s to the struggle, but also to overcoming.

O people of God,
Your time has come to quietly trust,
Waiting upon the Lord,
Now and forever.

Psalm 131:3