The art of goodbye.

I have never been good at goodbyes whether they were short term or long term. I have always had a fear of losing people that I care about, that for whatever reason when I said goodbye before leaving on a trip or as they were leaving that it would be a final goodbye - a goodbye that would then be filled with regrets and sadness. 

Yet even after saying goodbye to one of my best friends knowing we would soon live across the world from each other, as hard as that goodbye was it carried the knowledge that this is not a final goodbye. Even the very hope of that. There was no fear of separation that technology couldn't fix. 

Death holds a different goodbye. For the follower of Jesus it means years - could be as many as decades or even a few short years - whatever the case it's the truth that one day we will see each other again. 

Yet even with this knowledge - this truth - regardless of the hope of eternity or not death still holds a devastating separation. For me, the goodbye that is between my brother and I lingers with sorrow and pain. My very fear of losing someone I care so deeply for has come true. It's the pain of separation of right now where it seems like a forever until I will see him.

Yes, in the mind of eternity it's not that long; or so people say. To the grieving person - to me - when that line is given in hope of comfort, it honestly makes my heart ache. Obviously, this life is not forever - it's not the 'be all end all'. But come on - even Jesus wept when He saw the sorrow Martha and Mary faced after losing their brother - and He even knew how that story ended; that Lazarus would be brought back to life. Loss is still loss. 

I am going to be very openly honest here as I say write these next words. There have been many moments in this process - especially as of lately - that I have thought about turning away from God. Out of anger and disappointment and absolute confusion. Especially now as my family is dealing with losing someone to dementia. When I see my Oma, she looks like her, but really it's not her. Her mind has been twisted in a way where she's different. It's like she's gone, but yet she's still there somehow... and yet she's not. Something that is so painful to see.

How could He do this? How could He let this happen?

How can a Good God allow cancer and death - allow diseases like Alzheimers, and allow things like car accidents - take the people we love? 

And yet even with all of these questions... I can't. I can't deny Him. That loss would be too great. He really is my everything. Without Him all I am is broken pieces with no meaning. With Him - though still very broken - there is cause; there is purpose. There is purpose in all of this pain. Somehow... 

My heart feels like it can't take on any more disappointments and let downs. I am honestly exhausted as I try to pick myself back up and press on. As I look at these broken pieces that are my life I feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the grief, the sadness and the questions.

But Jesus. But Him. He didn't die on the cross just to guarantee an eternity after however many years of life. He can't just be a get out of jail free card. There must be more. 

Before Mikael's passing I would have said that the more is miracles. That was almost the focus. The more being the idea of our diagnosis' not being the final word. The more being resurrection life; literally.  And it is not that I have thrown that away and deemed it as wrong - because I still very much believe in those things.

The question just lies deeper. 

I am restless in all off this - in all of this process. Truly overwhelmed by all of these questions that seem to have no real answer. 

But Jesus. 

As I write this out I know that this life was never promised to be easy. Because of sin, because of the power of darkness here in this world, there is a lot of disappointment and brokenness. This is where I hear the small whisper of Him going, I'm here, to comfort you and to hold you.

I know that the victory is won - Jesus paid it all. But why, why all this suffering? That's the question burning in my mind.

There is more to this story that is my questioning the purpose of suffering, more that I will eventually tell you about. 

But I will leave this here. I know I haven't fully explained myself in a way that necessarily makes total sense. In this moment, all I really know is that this really sucks. There are layers to this for me that just really make this more difficult. 

Yet in all of this, in all of the raw process that this is - whatever it is - I will not give up on God; as crazy as a statement about giving up on God is... And this is where I realize that this is going to be messy for me. I have reached the end of myself as I know me to be. 

I think right now, the more I'm going after is becoming; being beyond what people think I am, being almost too honest in my process. Being adamant in my pursuit of 'more.' Continuing to ask deep questions because that's just who I am. Because to me life isn't just about living and dying... There's more. There has to be. And more even being beyond just being comforted by the God of the universe. As beautiful as that can be, there's still more. 

As much as I try to shake that - the idea of more - off I can't. Maybe I'll find myself at the end of this pursuit in a simple place of faith and servanthood. In a place that yes, we are just meant to live and to love and to be; and to be for God. Who knows. 

I just know that this is hard. There are a lot of messy questions that now come with my faith. And that's not wrong either. I'm like a kid who has jumped into a mud puddle way too deep and is a little stuck, but instead of getting mad at me for going in too deep, my heavenly Father is like, "okay, let's get muddy," as He jumps in with me.

And that - right there - that right there is the starting place of my more. Me and Him, step by step, in all of this mess and brokenness, just going for it. Being brutally honest because why not.

And so, from my heart to yours, here is to the pursuit of more.