Choosing to see.

Did I not believe enough?

It's a question that for a couple of months following Mikael's passing I ran over and over in my head. Did we not believe enough in the miracle working power of the Holy Spirit?

Something I journaled on January 16th, time during the beginning of Mikael's stay in the hospital:

Father, you know my prayers. You know my hearts desire. 

I know you desire for Mike to be healed. What is it that we're missing?

It is easy to look at this story of grief and wonder the many if's and why's. In fact it's almost way too easy. Yet, more than just my family's own personal journey through prayers for someone to be healed, it is often something that we do avoid. We avoid the messy questions because we are afraid there is no answer. And maybe there isn't.

As I reflect during those 40 days of Mike's fight and our fight with him I do feel that something was missed, more so on my part. And what I mean by missed is the heart behind the matter. To me, God was going to heal Mikael. I know I have shared this before but I still believe that was God's plan. I know that as I process through this there is a chance my opinion on that may change: it's called process. Yet there is a part of me that does not want to shy away from this belief.

It's not a matter of if we had enough faith. It's not a matter of if there were unresolved matters of forgiveness in our lives, or hidden sins or whatever it is we use to justify healing not happen. I will say this again: I believe that God's will is to heal. But more over, I've come to understand that God's will is love.

God is love. He is the ultimate definition of love. There are many things, especially today as we look around where it is easy to question God and His ways. As I sat there on February 9th clinging to my brothers hand I too wondered, "God, what are you up to?"

Okay, I get it. Just look around at the people around you, take a moment to ask them what it is that has shattered their heart. Whether an injustice, a broken marriage, an estranged family member, a car accident, cancer, infertility, financial crisis, little ones dying too soon... the list goes on and on. It is in these moments where I often think we are too quick to blame God - who is perfect and holy. We blame Him because it's easy. He's the world-wide scapegoat it would seem.

Yet in my short years, in my brief time as a believer and follower of Jesus I have come to this as said before: He is good. He is loving. He is faithful. And He does not take away from us. He is not to blame for the injustice of the world. He is not to blame for sickness and disease.

So who do we blame? Satan? Almost seems dramatic to say that somehow, yet it's true. But this is not about putting the blame somewhere because that will probably only get us more upset.

It is in our human nature to question and to want to place blame somewhere. Yet, I am only being drawn deeper into this place of just pure belief in the goodness of God. 

I see this in my family as we navigate through this time and grieve together. I see it in my friend who lost her son too soon and yet has taken that grief and turned it into making a difference for other sick kids. I see it in the beauty that is adoption after being unable to conceive. I see it in people coming together after a fire has raged through their city. 

If we look around and take a minute to stop and really see, we will see redemption everywhere we go. 

That's just it, it's a matter of perspective. It is easy to take on despair in life. So easy. Too easy. 

Even as people of faith, who believe in Jesus, who believe in hope and resurrection I have seen time and time again instead of hope being put on and poured out, it is instead discouragement and despair. (Just look at current politics). I mean I get it, I do it all the time.

Yet hope. Yet the more. The more that is Jesus' word being the final word. The more being we don't see the full picture.

Yes it's messy, it's chaotic. It's brutal in it's truest form. Yet, it is not in vain. 

And so the question is not, did I believe enough? But rather the question is, okay Lord, what now?

The question becomes an action. That instead of questioning I turn my gaze onto Hope, I exchange the questions for a deepening faith; for trust.

What's done is done. There is no going back. There is no undoing death, there is no undoing the car accidents and the fires that wage. There is only rebuilding. There is only redemption. There is only praying and believing for my friends whose parents now fight their own battle with cancer knowing that Jesus can heal. That He will heal. He is healing. 

Wether it's obvious and the doctors stand amazed, or whether it's within our hearts, a healing is happening. A hope is returning. That even in the darkest of moments we stand back and see the Light. That we would see the Father. 

He's here. He has not abandoned us. He has not turned away as He did with Sodom and Gomorrah. No. This is life after Jesus being raised from the dead: a prophecy being fulfilled. Yes, there are questions and sometimes we may find the answer. 

Yet there probably be more times where there is no real answer. Not one we can point to and say this. Sometimes it's a mystery movie where we never find out who committed the crime. Other times it's solved neatly, with each person and part revealed in full. 

A fear I had after losing Mike was that people would stop believing that miracles happen. I will admit that I wanted God's glory to be revealed as Mike walked out of the hospital. I would often daydream of what peoples reactions would be. Yet, God's glory is being revealed. His light is shining through the brokenness of our grief. And I know that I know that I know that He is a miracle working God. 

Even as I look at myself and see how my hope has returned in almost a double portion all I can do is thank God. I thank Him because I know He welcomed Mikael home with open arms and an invitation for adventure. I thank Him because through this I have found a peace with a depression that has been my shadow for ten years. I thank Him because I am now only more passionate about His goodness and His love and His faithfulness. 

I thank Him because He has only revealed Himself more. It is only because of Him that I can say all of this to you. It is because of Him that I have found purpose - something I lost track of over the last few years: especially these last months.

He is the goodness left in this world; there to be discovered, to be shared. It is the journey of discovering more of Him; it's the process through the pain and the joy. It's the yearning for more. 

It's getting to know Hope. Getting to know Jesus and even after the wars have raged, falling more in love with Him.

It's life. 

It leaves me to tears because it's bigger than I can even express. 

I am undone because I know that I have nothing to second guess or wonder. That in doing that my heart will only harden. Instead, I'm learning to use all of this and turn it into a deeper faith, a greater hope. 

So from my heart to yours, here is to choosing to see the good around us. Here is choosing to see hope even in the seemingly hopeless. Because with Him, with Him there is no such thing as hopelessness. 

May we truly believe it.