Five years.

Today I am 29 years old. Another year around the sun, as they say.

And it should be a happy day. It used to feel so joyous. Not only is it my day, but my brothers too. It made me so proud to have that. For whatever reason it felt like a secret power that we had. But now, in some ways it feels like a villain in my life. Kryptonite dimming this power we once had.

My heart is broken. Sad for what could have been. For what should have been.

If the last five years have taught me anything, it’s that these feelings matter. And as much as I want to numb these painful ones out, they’ll just show up on another day.

So here, in the quiet of my home I sit, in sadness. After a day of loved ones and family, I find myself surrounded by grief and disappointment. It’s familiar, but also so foreign at the same time.

I can’t pretend to understand the logic behind loss. And to try and understand God’s logic behind this would only drive me mad.

Even in this - this sorrow - He is here. Whether I feel Him or not. It’s a great mystery, to find ourselves held within the hands of God. To be held in the tension of both good and evil.

But this is what I’ve learned; life, in all of its chaos can be truly beautiful. For pain gives way to comfort, loss gives way to love, sorrow gives way to joy. And all these tensions are held within the hands of Jesus, giving way to a life of meaning.

I wish I didn’t know this tension. I wish it were easier. But I can’t wish reality away. And these feelings, while my reality in this moment, won’t last too long. They may come and go as they please, my heart an open door ready for sadness when it comes to visit, but also joy.

So here, in the silence, my prayer is this:

Father, I need you. I can’t do this without you. Hold me as these tears fall. Wrap your arms around me. Take this sorrow, this grief, because it’s all I have today.

From my heart to yours, here’s to the heaviness that rests. Here’s to not understanding, but finding peace within the mystery.

Here’s to another year around the sun, knowing that joy shall come in the mourning.

And yes, I mean that mourning.