I'm tired.

I’m tired. 

Tired from all the hate and violence. 

Tired from the double standards and inability to discuss respectfully. 

I’m tired of being afraid to speak about what I believe because of what it could bring - what it has brung. 

I’ve mourned friendships over the last five years over the inability to simply just agree to disagree. 

And I’m tired.

So many of my beliefs and ideas I’m learning along the way. Learning from conversations held by others. Learning from podcasts and speakers I look up to. Learning from the news in the sense of how I feel about what goes on from day to day. Observing people I respect and learning from those I disagree with; both of which can be the same. 

I don’t have it all figured out. I’m navigating this messy road of establishing my beliefs and opinions and how it translates into everyday life. Trying to navigate the polarized narratives we hear on a daily basis. And this goes for everything - not just political things. 

So where do I land? How can I land? These last 5 years have felt like an impossible storm in the middle of the ocean with no relief in sight. Which way is land? How do I navigate to a safe place? Who can I trust along the way? How can I trust…?

Today after work I got in my car and called my parents and all I could do was cry. Devastated for a family that has lost a son, a husband and a father so violently. Heartbroken for a woman whose life was taken too soon - and so brutally. And there are so many other reasons for this heartbreak. Too many to list, not enough space on a page to hold it all. 

So again, where do I land? How can I land when I have so many questions? 

This is where I have now chosen to land - need to land: Where can I go except the shelter of the Almighty’s wings. And if this is the only place I make it, that’s okay.

My faith has been turned inside out this last decade. At times I felt like I had none left at all. 

I had a conversation a few weeks ago and someone told me that if I truly didn’t have any faith at all I still wouldn’t show up. I wouldn’t express the deep knowing I have within myself that God is real. I wouldn’t still be holding out for miracles in the lives around me. 

And yet I still wrestle.I struggle to read my Bible and sing during worship. I struggle to show up in faith spaces even with this deep knowing with in me.

However, after a day like today, the only thing I do know is: Jesus is real. The darkness which tries to keep us away from Him is real. But He is the ultimate victor.

The only way to navigate the chaos of the world is to have Jesus navigating. Using his Word as my compass. Relying on His grace to get through. Being able to sleep through the storm in the stern of the boat because I know that whatever comes, whatever happens, He is who matters. He is who I live for. The hope He brings - that He literally sacrificed for me - for all - to have. 

This world is in utter chaos. And I feel hopeless when I begin to think about every aspect of this. But then, this is where Jesus comes in. Because this life isn’t all there is. While I still long to experience more things in this worldly life, I know ultimate life is spent in eternity with Him. And in all honesty this terrifies me. Because what does that really even mean?

I then take a breath because I know God created this world for a reason. And regardless of the broken things, there are many beautiful things still to live through. While I need to remain eternity driven, I also know there’s a grace for today, here on this planet. 

There are miracles still to unfold. Hearts still to be surrendered to the Lord. Melodies still left to be sung. 

A life in which perfect peace can surpass all understanding amidst all this chaos.

When it all doesn’t make sense, the one thing that does is Him. Even in all of His mystery and majesty. 

He is our truth. He is the Truth.

There is so much I don’t understand - that I can’t even fathom. There are answers I don’t have and may never have in this lifetime. But that’s okay. It has to be okay. Because all of this unrest is just not worth it. And therefore I can land confidently in the simple yet profound reality that Jesus is the way, the truth and the life.

So this is my prayer:

Father in heaven, may we become increasingly more aware of your presence here with us. Take all of this heartbreak and division and do what only you can do. Redeem us in ways that would release the beauty of your presence all around. Take my questions, take my doubts and my fears and fill them with the Truth of who you are. Lord God, I pray for a supernatural peace to flood us. I pray that we may come together in the power that is the Gospel. That now, more than ever instead of division there would be unity. 

You are perfect peace, you are hope and light and grace. You are the love we all so desperately need. So may we be desperate. 

Lord, in all of this brokenness and devastation may your redeeming power rest on our homes, our work places, our cities and our nations. For only you can guide us through the storm. 

May we find rest in your promises.

Amen.