Here we are, words from my heart to yours.
For me the continued story that has birthed out of the last two years is one of redemption. One of owning up, and of coming out of the shadows. It’s caused me to face head on the things buried deep within me. Layer by layer, the things I’ve found comfort and existence in for years have been stripped away. But not away as in gone necessarily, but rather away as in differently. As in the Lord was like, “hey kid, look at this, I think it’s time we deal with this.”
Read MoreI don’t know what this time of the year brings up for you. I do know a large part of my community has been impacted by a great loss that has happened. And there really are no words. But here are mine.
Read MoreGetting honest and vulnerable, not that I’ve never done that before or anything. It had been a while since I’ve written and man, it felt good to write this.
Read MoreOne year. It seems impossible. It seems beyond crazy. There truly are so many moments where it still doesn’t feel real. Yet here we are; here I am.
Read MoreThis one feels significant. It somehow feels different. By the end of the day, I will be as old as my brother was when he passed away.
Thirty one.
And honestly, I find myself at a loss for words for the ache that it sends through my very being. Thirty one. Such a small number if you think about it.
That’s the thing, life goes on. The world keeps spinning as the memories of someone remain frozen in time - the distance grows.
I think that’s maybe why seven feels so significant. Because now, now I will live beyond the safety of those seven years that was between Mikael and I. I made my appearance to the world on his seventh birthday. And now that time has lapsed between his last breaths on this earth.
And for the deep thinker that I am, that’s like my own little twilight zone.
A couple weeks ago while at a Sunday service at church I felt the smallest whisper to my heart.
“It’s time.”
It’s time for the deep suffering to end. Whether it be to the intense weight of grief, or due to the utter darkness of mental health and my journey with it, I just felt this weight lift off. Or not even that, it was almost like this reassurance that the heaviness I’ve experienced over my few 31 years does not have to last forever.
I am no stranger to the idea that life is complicated. Expectations are left unmet. People either die or walk away. Disappointment seems to be hiding - albeit terribly - in every shadow.
However, my prayer - my desperate cry - has been, God, please take this heaviness away. To the point where it’s just this sound on loop in my heart, playing in the background of everyday life.
Just a desperate plea.
